♥My memories♥.

Monday, July 26, 2010

I know i have to be strong but sometime it's not easy. It always a struggle to me to be strong and happy. Nobody will understand the pain in me and how i felt. Now that i realised to change urself to fit into his is so difficult. I really duno when will it happen again becos i have no confident in myself anymore,I have been struggling within myself. I realised that something cannot be force if not you will be living in misery. I duno and i dun want to think about it anymore becos i have no more energy to think about it anymore, i felt drain and exhausted. I just need to learn to let go...

11:47 PM Y

Monday, July 12, 2010

Hai, i realised that whenever i start blogging it is always nothing good and yes this time there is no exception too, sometime bad happened to me again. But this time it is about friendship. I duno why i just can't seem to find a true friend of mine,ever since secondary my friendship is always an unpleasant experience, betraying, hatred, bastabbing etc... I duno is it something wrong with me that i deserved all this kind of treatment. I thought maybe because during that time we were still young and ignorant and during the tertiary level things will change for the better but i was wrong. For now, i thought i have finally found a true friend of mine but sad to say it doesn't seem to be the case already. I can say human feelings always changes. I duno what i did wrong this time that now she is treating me so cold. Her attitude towards me change dastically even since the start of sem. It been so awkard between us now and i duno what is the reason to it. Towards the other she is not how she treated me. We used to be close friend but now i am not sure about it anymore. She is not the one i used to know before. Things has changed. Once again i felt lonely, i just want a true friend!!!

8:50 PM Y

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

I dunno what wrong with me today but i suddenly felt tat i no longer have love for him anymore. I never felt like this before, But after i sort out my feeling and thoughts, i realised that it is not that i doesnt love him anymore rather i fear that he will leave me like before which hurts me so badly. I fear that it will happen once more on me and i scared i wont be able to take another blow. This is the reason why i dun dare to put my love and feelings into him. I restrict myself from loving him and not that i no longer love him. But for now, i wont not put my mind on love rather on other things like school work, friends and having fun, sports etc. I have to learn to let go of things that doesnt suit or belong to me and i am learning. I am also learning how to be independent as i know only I wont hurt myself. Relaying on someone is not the right way and it is unhealthy, therefore i have to learn to be more independent. We can't control fate but we can control how we going to live our life and emotions.

10:42 PM Y

Sunday, June 13, 2010

My mind is in an confusion ever since tat day. I am trying very hard to change myself erm... actually it is not totally change myself but i can say is more of controlling my desires and emotions. But this becomes a fear instead of being happy of my changes. To him i duno whether is he really happy being with me or is he trying to suppress himself and his feelings. I will let him go but it is just a matter of time becos i know he is not as happy as he use to be. I will change for the better as people will keep improving but it is just the matter of time and i know it will be hard for him becos in between there will be a lot of hindrance and i dunno if he were able to take it as from the past expriences i can say the chance is very slim. If he really love me he can wait for me but i doubt. I have been trying hard to not love him and instead slowly turning him into a friend of mine becos i know one day he will leave me and i have to let him go. It is jus the matter of time that i will stop myself from loving him. Maybe this is the best for us.

10:09 PM Y

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Today i am feeling much better compared to ydae. I realised that to change yourself is not to suppress ur own feeling and force yourself not to do it becos it will be so miserable and one day you will tend to break down. To change, i feel that we shld face the problem and not run/suppress it rather learn how to let go. It is more of a pyschological thing and determination with the support of ur love ones will help even more.Although it is not as easy as being said but i think most importantly is to be strong...

6:30 PM Y

Today i can say its the worse nightmare to me, i never feel this bad before. He really hurt my heart to the core which i never feel this way before. My heart is hurt and wounded and it will take time to heal back but i know it will one day. But after been through so much today i learn sth out of it today and i can say everyday i am learning. It time for me to let go of everything and be happy, i know it wont be easy but i will do my best. I have to learn to be stay happy and be alone. I promised that i will not bother him anymore, i will let go of him but it just the matter of time becos i know he doesnt love me anymore becos i hurt him so badly. All i can do now is to stay strong no matter what happen. I have to learn to grow up and not be a pamper kid anymore. I know i say a hundred millons of times that i will change but this time i learned my lesson. If i will to act the same mistake again i will never forgive myself. Learning to grow up in the sense of being mature is so damn hard but once u know u have really grown up and become mature, u will feel a sense of happiness in u. I heading toward this goals...

1:29 AM Y

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

I know this is the end of us already, but i dunno why i just can't accept the fact. It's all my fault for all this. I always give empty promises to him and i deserve to be treated back this way. I can't turn back time but i can amend it. I will give it a one last try. Now i must learn to be real independant and i know it is hard but i will. I am not going to pester him anymore, i will give him time too but i am not going to give up to be with him again. Time will prove everything. I just really dun understand why i can't change. I hate myself so much now and i am going to punish myself.

3:39 PM Y